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Und da sind wir wieder mit einer weiteren Folge meinem Podcast Seelengevögelt für die Rebellen und Rebellinnen des Geistes. Vor einigen Wochen gab es ja den ersten Teil des Interviews mit John Gray über die Biochemie der Liebe und ich freue mich, dass es so rege Diskussionen ausgelöst hat, zum Teil auch sehr kontrovers, was total fein ist, denn ich gehe davon aus, dass es im Augenblick keinen allgemeinen Konsens geben kann zum Thema Geschlechterrollen, weil so so viele Dinge im Aufbruch sind auf der sozialen Ebene, auf der gesellschaftlichen psychologischen Ebene und sich tatsächlich auch sehr, sehr viele Dinge auf der biochemischen Ebene verschieben.
Darum geht es heute weiter, im zweiten Teil. Wir sprechen über so spannende Themen wie, hey, wann und wie ist Masturbation gut und wann kostet sie dich tatsächlich Kraft? Wir sprechen über verweichlichte Männer, was einen Mann wirklich ausmacht.
Es ist ein wirklicher Rundumschlag. Ich wünsche dir volle Inspiration. Wie immer, wenn du deutsche Untertitel möchtest, geh bitte auf YouTube, da findest du das Ganze als Video mit deutschen Untertiteln.
Ich wünsche dir jetzt ganz, ganz viel Spaß, spannende Erkenntnisse, lass dich berühren und tiefer in die Frage führen, hey, was macht dich eigentlich tatsächlich als Frau oder als Mann aus und fühlst du dich gerade wohl mit deiner Rolle?
Danke, dass du meinen Podcast hörst.
But here I see a lot of men are confused because here don’t be such an old macho, I don’t need this kind of old man. So they try to be another kind of man, but they don’t know how. And I also can see that it’s a kind of spiritual concept.
So I listen very closely to your description of a feminized man. And I think a lot of spiritual men are just feminized and are using a spiritual concept to explain it. So if a man start to realize, okay, fuck, I’m feminized, what can actively do to change it?
Okay, I really appreciate what you’re saying. And what happens is there is a very close link between a spiritual man and a feminized man. I am a very spiritual person and I have a hundred percent access of my femininity. That’s why I have fun. I’m playful. I’m joyful. I love what I do. I have a lot of estrogen and you can measure it in my body. I just have more testosterone. Okay, that’s the balance. So let’s not shame the man for being spiritual.
Spirituality means in one context, okay, spirituality means a lot of things, but in one context it means that my spirit actually doesn’t have gender. My spirit is universal. It includes masculine and feminine and in this body, I have a dominance of masculinity.
I’m born that way and one of my jobs as a man is to embrace my masculinity and as you said perfectly integrate my femininity into that and for women to be feminine and all to be all the qualities of femininity and embrace the masculine part of her, integrate that in and in the book I talk about all the masculine qualities and all the female qualities so that we have a clarity of where we want to go.
So let’s let’s take the basic ones. The basic, the number one is independence and dependence. If I’m independent, I’m on my masculine side. I don’t need help. I can do it myself and if I’m on my female side, I need help.
Okay, that’s female side. I need help and women don’t want to admit I need help. That’s seen as weakness. It’s not weakness. Okay, I need help in my work. That’s how I have these interviews to get my message out.
I need your help. Okay, so just to dispel the myth of the powerlessness of femininity, which we see today, femininity is weak. Are you kidding? So what is masculine power? The masculine side of us has a power and the feminine part of us has a power.
I have both. I have culture both through my spirituality and also my relationship skills. So, masculinity, part of me, the power is to make a difference. I write books. I give messages. I teach. I do things.
That’s how I have an impact on the world. I create situations. I make money. I can use that money and do things with it. I have power. So that’s power to affect others. That’s the masculine power. Look what I can do.
All right? That’s look what I can do. I can sit down and write a book, okay? That’s amazing, okay? And I can do it in a certain amount of time. I can go fix my fence, you know? I can read. I can do other things, too.
Actually, right now, I’m learning to garden. Okay? Now I’m at home all the time. I can garden. And I can eat out of my garden. That’s the spring is here and I grew these plants. That is my masculine side.
Look what I can do. Expertise. All right? So, over there on expertise, now what’s my female power? The masculine power is to look what I can do. Female powers look what I can get other people to do for me See we have to all expand our awareness the only reason I’m successful is I had a publisher and I have a team and I have people and other people do things for me and so women think about what would you like most to be able to do everything or have If someone do something for you, okay everybody waits on you and that’s that’s royalty. You didn’t say so that’s female power and that’s charisma is when you have both those things when you have a lot of that ability to let other people do things for you I deserve it and people do it.
You see it’s not not it’s not like I deserve it. No one does it. That’s no female power okay, when you’re angry, you have no female power. Okay when you’re hurt you have no female power when you’re sad and disappointed.
You have no female power when you’re exuberant and you’re enthusiastic and you feel happy and you’re fulfilled and you grant gratitude. Oh gratitude is such Foundation of female power, you know, one of our mentors in this is one of the most successful women in the world is Oprah Winfrey not that she’s mastered everything But she manages stress in her life and she says her main technique for it is gratitude.
She writes down what she’s grateful for she’s really into like I gotta write it down. Gotta write it down. I’m grateful for this and grateful for this and grateful for this That helps her to find some kind of balance in her life where she’s constantly Creating and doing and solving and fixing and that’s a highly stressful life But she gratitude is one of the ways she comes back to her female side being in nature is one of the ways she comes back to her Female side having dogs is the way she comes back to her female side.
She doesn’t have children you know, she has found ways to nurture that female side that allows her to attract. That’s a female power is to attract people wanting to do things for you wanting to watch her show for example That’s charisma.
That’s when you can a male female male side and female side together. You have both those powers. So You wanted practical advice. I didn’t get to it yet. I don’t know why I keep avoiding it. Here it is.
So how can men come back to their male side? Okay. So these are examples. Independent. When some of the techniques you can do, probably if I can just get to the most important, is whenever you’re angry with someone, you’re depending on them and they weren’t there for you.
You see how emotions, your emotions of anger, your emotions of sadness, your emotions of fear, your emotions of all of your negative emotions are going to push you to your female side. And if you talk about your negative emotions, you talk about your disappointments, you talk about your fears, you talk about your failures, you talk, whenever you talk about emotions and feelings, they become more.
So stop talking if you’re a man. your girlfriend is going to, oh, how are you feeling? What’s going on inside of you? Oh, no big deal. No problem. Tell me what’s going on inside of you. See, women actually feminize you because they’re seeking their own female side through you.
They want you to talk. They want you, and then they don’t. After a while, they get sick of it, and they feel guilty for it. But in the beginning, they’re so interested in what you feel, what you think, what’s going on, what’s happening in your life.
And so you’re this guy, and the sweetness of men is we want to serve. So if this is what she wants, so really on a deep level, what she wants is you to be feminine. Then she wants, then she will be disgusted with you because she really needs you to be a masculine.
So it’s different what we want, or I want you to open up only because she needs to feel safe. So you have to become learning how to not express negative emotion or problems in the presence of a woman.
Now you can talk to other guys, and it’s funny when I tell these guys to do that, they say, oh, the other guys, they don’t, they don’t relate to it at all. I said, yeah, because they want you to be a guy.
Make jokes about it. It’s okay to joke about things. If you have complaints, joke about it, and practice this discipline of never complaining out loud. There’s nothing more powerful to strengthen your masculinity than what’s called suck it up, which is, oh, the feminists all say, oh, poor little boys are taught to suck it up, poor to suck it up.
And you know, you shouldn’t tell a little boy to suck it up because he’s a little boy, but you’re a man. As a man, you suck it up. You don’t reveal, even if it’s in there, you suck it up, you ignore it, and you go out and now do something.
You don’t just ignore it, okay, suck it up inside. What you do is, you see, that is a symptom of high estrogen. What you want to do now is not do anything that will increase more estrogen. You want to do something now to increase your testosterone.
which will now lower the estrogen and those emotions will go away. All emotions don’t need to be expressed. That’s just expressing emotions increases estrogen. You don’t need to express negativity ever.
Unless you’re a woman and you need more estrogen, it’s a shortcut to producing more estrogen. Not very productive by the way, if you express negative emotions to somebody you’re seeking to change. But if you express negative emotions to somebody who empathizes with you and you’re not trying to change them, it will actually increase your estrogen and it’s a good thing.
But most women are in the habit of dumping their negativity on a man and then thinking, you know, that was productive. Never productive. You express positivity, but love, love is the answer. So men, stop complaining.
Don’t whine. If you’re in a bad mood, your estrogen’s too high. So don’t masturbate. You want to be a man? Suck it up and don’t masturbate. I didn’t masturbate from age 18 to 28, and that’s why I’m a superman, and my testosterone is twice as high as was when I was for most average young men.
Twice as high. Now why? Also, I will sometimes double it when I cheat, but I have amazing virility. I have sex every day. One of the reasons I’m talking to the men now, and I’m not saying you should be me because it’s taken me 50 years to get this way, but I have sex every day, sometimes twice a day.
The only way I can do that, of course, is because I’ve learned how to have orgasms without ejaculating. Ejaculation is feminizing you. Every time you ejaculate, your estrogen levels shoot high, so most feminized men are addicted to ejaculation.
So you can masturbate if you got that been on ejaculate. Your goal is no longer to ejaculate. Your goal is basically to keep your penis hard for a good 15, 20 minutes, and then you’ll take a shower. In the beginning, it takes willpower.
Your goal is not to ejaculate. Your goal is just to have a good stiff erection for 20 minutes. So then finally, when you have sex, you have a good stiff erection for 20 minutes. You can go for hours except you get sore, but basically your body doesn’t have to ejaculate just because you’re turned on, but when you have high estrogen, you want to ejaculate quickly.
And you’ll see these porn star guys that can last forever, they have no estrogen. So they’re not like these feminized guys. Basically, a lot of them can’t ejaculate. That’s why they’re always in the show.
They always want to make sure you see the adjaculate to see that he could, but they’re not like your feminized guy. Feminized guy, estrogen, ejaculation is a spike of estrogen, and it will lower your testosterone.
If you’re going to ejaculate at least only once a week, and therefore you can’t stimulate yourself by looking at porn. Even in the beginning, you don’t even look at women. women just in the beginning.
Just don’t let yourself be stimulated in that way because you already have a neuro -connective pathway to immediately spiking your estrogen when you get aroused sexually. So it’s just too hot, too fast.
You get too excited, too emotional. You need to back off. That is the most powerful thing is you give up ejaculating and dramatically minimize it. The next would be if you masturbate, don’t ejaculate every time and don’t try to have an orgasm without ejaculating.
That comes much, much later. If you can keep a good stiff erection for 30 minutes, then you start getting into the zone where you can have orgasms without ejaculating. They’re not ejaculation orgasms either.
It’s something different. It’s much more fulfilling. It’s like being the Buddha completely in control, providing this orgasmic energy for this woman to go out of her mind. That’s the real fulfillment of masculinity is the female orgasm, not yours.
Okay, that’s just like, you know, it’s like you’re the grandfather and you’ve got all these grandkids and you’re the king of the world and you did that. You know, this is such a glorious feeling to know that the woman is clutching the pleasure you’re providing and for you, you’re an unlimited source of fulfillment for her.
So there’s no attachment that you have to orgasm at all. That’s the freedom of it. It’s orgasmic. It’s control and no control. Anyway, it’s a lot of things. I’m talking to a guy here that we’re talking to guys.
I’m just giving you a vision of possibilities in the future, but it starts with zinc. Every time you ejaculate, you lose zinc. Zinc is what makes your testosterone and that’s the most lowest level of it.
Every time you’re lusting after a woman that doesn’t want to lust after you equally, you’re depleting yourself of energy. You shouldn’t lust after women. You see them as beautiful flowers. Yes. But when you lust after them, you’re saying, oh, I want you.
And they’re saying, I don’t want you. So you’re constantly being knocked down, knocked down. You’re not, you’re not, you don’t need a woman. You see, what you need, I buy a lot. Remember, I said, masculinity is independence.
I got it myself. I’m fulfilled. She needs you. See, that’s the balance of power. Then what do you need for that 20 %? I can handle my 80% myself. That 20% is when she needs me and I need her to need me.
See, when I say my job is not to make her happy, I can make her happier. Her job, she can make me happier. But you know how I get happier? It’s when I make her happier. See, that’s the real power of masculinity.
If you’re in a relationship, a little game you can play right now with your partner is 20 minutes every day, or as much as you’d like to do it, you play a genie in the bottle. Now this, I invented this during the COVID when everybody’s stuck in their homes, what to do to suit their needs.
Supercharged see hormones. You need something to knock them up because we’re not getting our normal 80% So this is like amazing even I’ll continue doing the rest of my life. It’s so much fun But for 20 minutes, he’s a genie now.
What is a genie? You know that myth of the genie that you rub the bottle and the genie comes out and says you have three wishes What it your wish is my command? Okay, so for 20 minutes, you’re the genie man Your wish is my command you say to her and you think that’s being feminine But actually your wish is my command is the most powerful thing if you’re the genie.
That’s a genie. He’s all powerful And but she’s not allowed to do anything. She can’t be this independent woman now She’s dependent on her genie. She can’t do anything for 20 minutes for herself He all she can do is ask for help So she’s put in a game situation where she depends on him to do things for her He can feed her or she could ask him to do tasks thinks that she would like, doesn’t want to do,
he could do, or things that would just make her feel good. You know, Jeannie, go upstairs and get my lavender oil and come give me a massage on my feet. And he says, it’s my, your wish is my command, it’s my pleasure, I’ll be happy to do it, I’m off.
And he goes off right away, as you wish, as you wish. But even more than as you wish, it’s like a flying first class, you’re the flight attendant. And it’s like, oh, is there something I could do for you?
I’m so happy to do for you, whatever you ask for, I will be there for you, I’ll look in on you. But in this game, he’s not allowed to do anything for her, nothing for her unless she asks. Because that’s feminine energy is asking for help.
I ask you to do this, I ask you to do this. Now some couples, the more you have a resistance to this idea, the more you need to do it. It pushes him into his male side, self -sacrificing, doing things, not big things, by the way, little things.
And nothing outside the 20 minutes. She can’t ask for this, for example. I’d like you to always remember to turn out the light in the refrigerator, okay? So that’s something he’s gonna do tomorrow. No, this is not tomorrow, this is not permanent, this is what he can do in this moment that will provide something for you that would help you.
So she has to get through her resistance, even admitting she wants help. And then start asking for it and getting it. It creates a new kind of connection. And then some people, when I teach this technique, they’ll say, well, can you reverse roles?
And so what does the man get? I said, this is for the man. It’s the man serving the woman, but in response to her needing help. If a man is serving a woman and she doesn’t need help, she’s being the boss.
That’s different, that’s your feminized man. He’s always trying to win her approval. He’s doing things that win her approval, but she’s not asking for it. for help. You see it has to be she has a need and he is the answer to that need and it doesn’t have to be a big answer it just she has a need and he’s the answer and it’s a transaction and it’s completed and completed and completed and what makes it even more powerful is the more time she asks.
So if we understand the way estrogen works is what I teach in my books in Men are from Mars I talk about little things make a big difference and and on Venus if you give a woman 50 roses there’s a spike of estrogen it’s a point if you give one rose it’s the same spike of estrogen and this is true if a woman feels good okay if a woman feels good then little things make a big difference the same as big things oh yeah he’s a rich guy so what he brought me three flowers you know oh I like that so little things make a difference but that’s only true if a woman has estrogen if she has low estrogen and he does a little thing or a big thing,
it has no effect. So every action when a woman has low estrogen, it will bump it up a little, a little, a little, a little. So lots of things will build the estrogen up. So then it really starts having a big impact doing little things.
And you can do a lot of little things. You can only do one big thing that takes a lot. So it’s not that we don’t try to do big things, you know, like on the anniversary, I try to create something special.
That’s good, a birthday, something special, you know, there’s an art to all of that. But on a daily basis, lots of little things that say, I care and I love you, you’re important to me. And I give an example of how practical this is when I learned about little things.
Bonnie was asking, she was telling me, you know, the kids just aren’t listening to her. They only listen to me. And I don’t punish, by the way. So it’s not like I’m this threatening force. That’s my book, Children Are From Heaven, How to Raise Cooperative Children Without Punishment.
It’s an art. All of this is new knowledge, how to do it. In the past, we use punishment. And still as couples, we punish each other. That’s all negative emotion is punishment. That’s all we have to get.
We go, oh, I’m just being authentic. No, you’re authentic punisher. You’re authentic guilt tripper. You know, this is manipulation. Humans are like, when we’re in fight or flight, we are manipulators.
And if you’re a manipulator, you’re not loving, period. And that’s what we have to see. Our problems are our problems. They’re not the other person. There are problems. And yes, our problems, our partners are manipulator too.
You could find anything wrong with them to justify how you feel. But you’re not, they’re in charge of how you feel. You are. We have to learn how to come back. So for the sensitive guy, oh, you’re going to pout.
You’re going to be moody. You’re gonna be a people pleaser. You’re gonna find that you’re you’re addicted to porn. You’re gonna be addicted to You’ll not my drink too much. You might get upset and angry.
These are all symptoms when a man’s on his female side playing games. You play way too many games nothing wrong with playing some games when you’re in your cave for 20 minutes 30 minutes Sometimes an hour then come out, but if you’re not coming out something’s keeping you in there It’s too much estrogen and high high digital stimulation It takes it to another level of besides hormones Digital stimulation of games and pornography Stimulates higher dopamine levels than reality.
It’s divorced from normal Kinesthetic connection to reality and therefore those natural hormones that get produced from kinesthetic connection to reality are not being produced. One of those hormones, for example, is oxytocin.
Oxytocin balances, helps to lower testosterone and raise estrogen levels. And so when you have sex with somebody online or you’re playing a game or social media where you have negative comments, this is horrible thing for people where they’re saying, oh, whatever they think and feel because they’re anonymous, they can say whatever they think and feel.
What happens, they get addicted to that, addicted to negativity because there are no consequence. With the woman online, there’s no consequence. You’re not responsible for it. You don’t care about her life.
This digital and personal reality that we have is highly addictive. Now, when that happens, that’s high dopamine stimulation. It desensitizes dopamine receptor sites in the brain. This desensitizing effect means that a real woman cannot stimulate dopamine and testosterone in us.
We become bored with our partners because we’re more excited by playing games on TV, on the video or in pornography. So we’ve got to watch it with the game playing and we’ve got to watch it with watching the news right now when people are home.
I noticed in the beginning of the COVID thing, you know, so I knew until I figured it out, realized that statistics have shown that in America, up to this point of the year, 60 ,000 people less have died.
We have actually less death in America than last year at this time. And that this virus is not even as bad as, not nearly as bad as the last one that we had. Yes, some people are dying. They tend to have their problems be accelerated.
So we want to flatten the curve and there’s some value to that. But the thought that this is some terrible thing and that your risk of dying is greater. It’s not. It just means that you’re not going to die.
If you’re going to die two months from now, you’re probably going to die. sooner. That’s all. We know now the death rate has not increased overall death rate. You know in America for example I only know those statistics.
There’s 8 ,000 people die a day. This is like you know hundreds of thousands of people die way beyond you know they keep saying 100 ,000 people have died. No already there’d be like 500 ,000 people have died and other other ways heart disease cancer all these different types of things because when people die of old age it’s always labeled as pneumonia and pneumonia is very similar to what people die of with COVID and even when they say 100 ,000 people died of COVID it’s an inaccurate statement.
The government statement is there’s a hundred thousand people that have died with COVID. They didn’t die of COVID. They died with COVID and the only people that died by the way are people that are taking blood pressure medicines.
If you have heart disease and you’re taking blood pressure medicines, or if you have diabetes and you’re taking blood pressure medicines, those blood pressure medicines upregulate certain receptor sites in the lungs that makes your lungs more vulnerable to this flu.
These are people that are going to die anyway in a little bit longer time. They’re dying now because of their own conditions. If you’re healthy, it’s basically 0 .1% of the population dies from every flu epidemic, and some are much worse than this, and right now it’s the same statistic, 0 .1%.
So we make a big deal out of everything. That’s our human nature. That’s what we do in relationships. We just go into this whole belief system that we’re in danger and we’re doing this bad thing. And also, masks.
More and more in the beginning, this Fauci guy who stands up there every day said, you don’t need to wear a mask. They don’t do anything. Save the mask for the doctors. And then now they say we’re a mask.
And we know masks don’t do anything to stop viruses. Masks do not stop viruses. Viruses have always spread through the wind. Viruses are so tiny, tiny. They’re always flowing through us at all time. Our bodies are filled with millions of viruses, and viruses is part of evolution.
And the weak will die off. That’s what it’s about. And to protect ourselves from danger only makes us weaker. You know, we know this if I have a fear of, well, what would be a fear? I don’t have any fear.
So when we have an avoidance, okay, if you have an avoidance of gluten, for example, okay, now everybody’s afraid of gluten, right? And so every time you’re avoiding gluten, you’re actually triggering adrenaline that makes you more gluten intolerant.
And now you’re the wiring that says gluten is dangerous is repeated over and over. Gluten actually becomes more dangerous. So it’s all mind game. And yes, that gluten. gluten is harder to digest, but usually because you’re trying to eat gluten when your body is stressed, then it’s harder to digest, then the brain goes, gluten makes me sick.
Now when you’re afraid of gluten and you seek to avoid gluten, you become more gluten intolerant. My daughter for five or six years, 10 years was gluten intolerant until she figured this out. Now she’s not gluten intolerant.
This is like amazing. The brain, we know Nobel Prize went to a guy who said that basically neurons that fire together grows stronger. So if I’m afraid of you and I try to avoid you, every time I’m avoiding you, I’m increasing my fear of you.
The neural connector is being activated and my fear response, my adrenaline response to you becomes greater and greater and greater. And this is what happens in marriages. Our adrenaline response to being a certain way, to being authentic, to being ourselves, we fear our partner’s disapproval.
Now the feminized man. It just increases more and more is that you become a people pleaser. So let me experience a people pleaser for you for a moment. I remember when I’m a young guy and a group of people, I’m sitting in a booth and we just, I thought they brought up a movie and they all looked at me and said, oh, did you see that movie?
I went, yeah. What’d you think? I went into like fear. Oh my God. If I liked it, are they going to like me? If I didn’t like it, are they going to not like me? You know, it was like, that’s people pleasing.
Now I just say what I think and I can say whatever I think almost. But if it’s online, I have to be a little careful. But I could say almost everything because I’m not trying to change anybody. You see, in relationships, you could you could actually say whatever you feel and think if you’re not trying to change your partner and you’re coming from a place of love.
But people it’s hard for them to do that. That’s why if you have negative emotions, you should talk to somebody that you’re not trying to change. And if you’re a man, you should talk to other men and not do this psychological stuff.
We’re trying to go deeper into your emotional vulnerability. Make jokes about your feelings. Make jokes. Now, if you’re way on your female side. I have compassion, you know. So what you do is you process your feelings.
If you have strong emotions in your man, you keep them to yourself. You write them out on paper. You write out what you imagine. I’m just going to say what I feel and think. And you write out what you’re angry about, what you’re disappointed or sad about, what you’re afraid about, OK, what you feel guilty, what you regret, what you want, and then you find forgiveness.
You feel understanding and your brain clears up. And the reason that works for men is you’re analyzing and analysis. Independence is one masculine quality. Analysis is another masculine quality. Now, for the women listening, they say, what do you mean?
I’m I could analyze too. I said, yeah, of course you can. Everything I’m saying you can do and you can be it’s masculine energy. And there’s no. nothing wrong with you being on your male side, you’re just gonna be unhappy if you don’t also, also be on your female side.
So let’s keep addressing that. Not saying, I’m just saying that when men are logical, it helps to produce their testosterone. When you analyze, when you reflect and analyze, okay, what am I feeling? I’m feeling angry.
Why am I feeling angry? Okay, what happened is triggering my feelings of anger and penetrate, penetrate masculine experience again. Go deeper into why, go into why, go into why. You know, what’s interesting is that was the beginning of psychology, Western psychology, they say as the father is Freud.
Now what Freud did, interesting, he basically went into the cave with a man. He said, lie down on the couch, look in the opposite direction. I’ll be in the, don’t look at me, just lie on the couch, turn the lights down low.
and he would have his little notepad, and he would ask questions, well, why do you think? And why do you think? And you would say, well, what do you think? And he says, well, what do you think I think?
You don’t have any opinion. You just ask, what do you think? What do you think? Okay, and that was an analyze is the essence of masculinity is to analyze. So if you have a strong emotions, analyze them and destroy them.
Okay, nothing. You want to basically say, why am I angry for a stupid reason? That’s why I’m angry. Why am I sad for a stupid reason? Okay, this is your, you pick it apart. Okay, you go down through it, but at the same time, you know, I exaggerate a little bit there, but at the same time, you’re compassionate.
So the way you can analyze and be compassionate is to recognize all of your negative emotions. Men came from the time when your estrogen levels were supposed to be high, which is from age two years old to 13.
You have that naturally, your estrogen levels are the level of a little girl. Then your testosterone comes in, and then the first two years of life, you have a grown man’s testosterone, and then it shifts and your estrogen levels super go high.
So when you’re upset, don’t go talk to anybody. Don’t use your emotions to elicit empathy, to elicit sympathy, to try to intimidate someone, to win somebody’s approval, forget about all that, do it inside yourself like you’re listening to a little child, and you’re a therapist, or you’re a loving parent, or you’re a wise being, looking at this poor person that knows nothing, just a child, but you have compassion because they know not what the world is,
they don’t know how great they are, they don’t understand life, and you do it from that point of view. And then you process your feelings, that’s called the feeling letter technique, and I did it for many, many years, because I had a very, with all that meditation, I was on my female side and my male side, I’m one with the divine, my spirit came forth.
which put me one with my masculine and my feminine and Then so when I got in relationships with women it triggered all these emotions what it triggered was the unresolved emotions of my past So that’s the paradox of testosterone.
There’s somebody wrote a book on that They didn’t really understand it, but they pointed out the paradox the paradox is that When a man’s watching the soccer game if his team is winning He feels great if his team is losing He feels depressed that they measure his hormones and his team’s winning his testosterone goes up But then they talk about sometimes when men their team wins and they get into big fights So aggression shows up.
Well, what’s happening? That’s a very subtle distinction not so subtle if you understand psychology is that whenever you have an upgrade of who you think you are like As a child, we’re powerless, right?
And so we have to adjust to please everybody to get what we want. So we’re little people pleasers as children. And if our parents are hard to please, then we feel inadequate. And then we try to adjust ourselves more.
And if our parents don’t listen to our painful feelings of emotion as children, it’s appropriate. We push it down, we push it down. So this is our childhood traumas. And we all know, if you understand psychology, that it’s the 90 -10 rule.
My rule is the 80 -10 is the relationship rule. 80% of your happiness should come from yourself, 20% from your partner to become happier. The 90 -10 rule is that 90% of any upset you have has nothing to do with right now.
And anybody who’s versed in psychology would agree with that. 90% of anything you’re upset about is an accumulation of similar events are triggering something from an early childhood event that you’ve forgotten.
So suddenly you’re behaving like a child. You’re in a big, huge fight or flight and it’s the littlest things that can set us off. Somebody gives us the wrong look. Now we wanna fight them, okay? So what happens is sometimes when your team wins, okay, and aggression results, doesn’t always good behavior results too, but sometimes men become aggressive, violent, aggressive.
And aggressive, nothing wrong with aggressive if it’s compassionate, you’re gonna get something done, you’re gonna get it done. We associate aggression with violence. So there’s the violent part of it, the inconsideration of what somebody else is feeling.
Aggression is I want, I’m gonna do. And if I want, I’m gonna do, and I take into consideration your feelings, I’m still aggressive, but it’s not violent. But if I don’t take your feelings into consideration, then it’s violent.
So here I am as this, my team just won, my testosterone’s up, you feel great, and then suddenly fights emerge. The fights emerge, the same reason why people really get a lot of money, they become extremely weird.
They can, they can become so arrogant and so pompous and so demanding and so mistreating and not that everybody does, but what happens is when you feel an upgrade of I am great, then suddenly unresolved feelings from childhood, when you didn’t feel great, will come up in order to be healed.
So that’s the healing process is triggered. So in the words of somebody else that read a book a long, long time ago, love brings up everything unlike itself, which we see clearly happens in marriage.
You love somebody, it brings up all these infantile feelings and aggressive reactions and jealousies and revenge and punishment and guilt and shame. Everything your parents did when they were on fight or flight is what you do when you’re in fight or flight because we have to recognize when you’re in fight or flight, blood flow stops at the front part of the brain where you can make choices and decisions here.
If it’s not the front part of your brain activated, you have no choice. you react and that’s who you are. And that’s where people get to when they feel loved, then this stuff comes up, then they become like, like unhappy, stressed out children.
Actually, they become like unhappy, stressed out their parents. And their parents are, when they’re under stress, they’re just like their parents who are under stress and their parents are like their parents under stress.
And that goes all the way back to where they’re monkeys. So we’re really like monkeys. And monkeys see monkey do. That’s what’s happened to us. If we’re in fight or flight. So how to stay out of fight or flight?
Well, that’s the whole thing meant if you practice, whenever you’re having any of these monkey behaviors, emotions and pouting and passive or addiction, these are our vulnerabilities. That’s when you need to practice writing out what the emotions are, are doing something where you’re not dependent on someone else.
So every addiction is a dependence. So if there’s anything you’re addicted to, stop it. You wanna become strong man, do what you say you’re gonna do. So part of my own personal power, that’s my mail side, is I’ve written 26 books and I’ve written every book I finish on the date I say I’m gonna write it.
Which means I’m pretty lazy guy sometimes and I procrastinate and I know that date’s coming but my pride, my commitments, I gotta finish on time. And I remember back in the days, after a minute from ours, just one book every year coming out, coming out and my publisher because I was all best sellers.
It’s the biggest selling book in America and in the world for the in the 90s. And so maybe my third book, they said, okay, you’re gonna write a new book? I said, yes. And I said, when do you want it done by?
And they said, oh, you can do any time you want. It’s kind of like your red carpet for you, our biggest seller. And I said, no, no, you have to give me a real deadline. Which means that if I don’t meet that deadline, a lot of people are gonna be affected in a negative way.
You’re gonna have promotions, you’re gonna have this, everything’s gonna be fine. to be set up. So I have to get to that point because the problem of success is you feel like I don’t have to do anything anymore.
I can do what I want. Then your testosterone goes down because you don’t have the power of, no, I have to, I have to. That’s what that strength of power comes from. So men, if you want to be strong, man, you have to not express negative emotion.
You have to not complain. You have to do what you say you’re going to do. You should give yourself little goals and do them no matter what and start building up to where you can say a big goal and you follow up and you do it no matter what.
You pride yourself in that. You say, if I want my book to be successful, the most important thing is that I get it done on time. That doesn’t mean I do everything on time. It means that the things that are important, I make sure I do on time.
Then you get to a higher level. For me, I do the big stuff. Now I’m learning to do the little stuff as just as important. An example of that is when My wife said that you know the kids were just listening to me and not her and this is back to what I was talking about before little things make a big difference and make a big difference to your children as well.
So what I noticed I thought I analyzed it and I thought okay what can I do to make it better for Bonnie. And I realized that many times she will say dinner’s ready and. I would stay at the computer because I was finishing something and I’d say okay kids go in and have dinner but I would not in a quote listen so to speak I would not obey and I realized that.
If they see me not obeying her wishes and they didn’t she wasn’t the important one I was more important and a relationship should be equal importance to mother and father. So when she would say dinner’s ready I practice it and just jump up and okay no matter what I was doing because you can always stop.
Jump let’s get in there let’s go now you know and sit down and then when she was pregnant you know we’d always make sure she didn’t have to do anything and. Let’s all get in there wash those dishes mom shouldn’t have to do any dishes you know it’s built together as a family but it was fast immediate require you know right away stuff and then also another thing I did.
I already was aware of giving hugs hugs is very important to keep the estrogen up for women and so when. But I would come home my children would all hug me and they’d run at me and everything and then I realized oh I’m giving them the message they’re more important than her.
So I just started giving Bonnie the first hug and so I come home after a week of this my kids would say mom’s here mom’s there because the first thing out of my mouth was where’s mom. And not them they’re running and I wouldn’t push them away I did jump on me but I would they would go to the kitchen and they were like mom’s here mom’s here mom’s not here you know because I know as the first thing I would say.
And suddenly they started becoming much more cooperative with her more obedient to her wishes because they saw that she was also the. the queen, I’m the king, and she’s the queen, and there’s a mutual respect.
And many times, they would just see me stop and do something quickly for her. This is something that, again, strengthens masculinity as fast reaction, okay? Getting things done. Right now with COVID, not having my normal interactions, it would knock my testosterone down, so I had to do extra things to increase my masculinity.
So one of those things is, well, meditating longer than usual. That’s one of the things I do to increase testosterone. If you’re a 20 -minute meditator, do 30 minutes. It takes willpower. So you have to overcome that resistance to doing what you like to do and do what you have to do.
So do a little bit longer. You see, for me, a lot of my testosterone boost is because I travel. you know, when you travel, you have to go from point A to point B, you have to drive a car, you have to get there on time, you have to get your luggage, you have to go to security, you have to make it to your plane, your plane is late, you have to find another schedule, you have to call somebody.
All these little problems, it’s an infinite number of little problems. If you can handle them with confidence, then that you know I have the power to do this, you produce testosterone. If you’re all stressed out, you’re making estrogen all the time.
So one of the easy things to know is everything goes wrong when I travel. This is the way life is. Everything goes wrong when you travel. I have these little things that I say to myself, well, of course that’s going to go wrong.
Well, of course that’s going to go wrong. No problem. It’s normal. I get there. I get there. It’s like, if you’re in an airplane going from LA to San Francisco, I’m sorry, LA to New York, there’s no time when that plane is directly on course.
It’s always off course. It’s going back and forth, back and forth. The computer handles it, but it gets there on time. Nothing is perfect. When you start taking absolute responsibility for the problems in your life, then you’re humbled by that, but you also love yourself.
So I love myself, even though I’m not perfect, then I can love you and you don’t have to be perfect. All this expectation of others, you see this with so many women today because they don’t have estrogen.
They don’t have the love. These feminized men do have more love, but they just love to play and get their feelings hurt easily. They would have long conversations and they don’t want to have to do anything.
These are like loving. They love what they do. They often love their life, but they love talking about it. Of course, I’m only talking about a range. I’m exaggerating just to see the whole range of where we go at times.
I’m not perfect. I can see how easily I would tell stories of my trips. If there was a disaster, I would embellish. the disaster. I was even a bigger problem. You see, that’s this tendency of of getting love by having a bigger problem.
Getting love by having a bigger problem. And I go, wait a second. I don’t have to have big problems to get love. You know, I don’t have to have bad things happen to me to get love. But I can certainly tell my funny stories of all the disasters that happen.
And that’s the thing I also say. Whenever there’s a disaster, I always say, this is gonna be a great story to tell. This is gonna be a great story to tell. Because how did I overcome adversity? So overcoming adversity is a major testosterone booster.
And feeling victimized by adversity is a major estrogen stimulator. And it’s not a healthy one. And for women, it’s a major estrogen stimulator for sure. But it’s not a healthy one. Okay, just to get that that it does stimulate estrogen and women get addicted to being victims to be complaining.
He did this. He didn’t do this. My life is this. I could have had this. You know, if he hadn’t lost that money, if she didn’t do this. I would be at such a better place. We get addicted to the negativity Because it does produce estrogen and estrogen does lower our stress levels But it’s just a negative loop that just makes our life raise keeps our adrenaline levels up higher and higher and higher over time And so what she has to do is practice Again that same letter I talked about she could write out her feelings Or she could share with somebody that she’s not trying to change But you’re writing the letter of your emotions To change how you feel not to change somebody else and the commitment is then to come back to what you want what you wish And to apologize is a big thing for seeing your own side of a problem as if you’re writing that personal letter Then what you do is you focus on the positive And one of the ways you can focus on positive a man and woman can do this is a powerful technique Is you vent all your feelings out for the intention of letting them go?
For women it’s more the intent intention to become aware of what’s inside and for men It’s the intention to understand why to understand why Okay, so more of an analysis the other was just to be aware and to feel the levels because always if there’s anger There’s always sadness and disappointment doesn’t exist without you can’t be angry if you weren’t disappointed And you if you’re disappointed you’re also sad and you can’t be sad or disappointed if you don’t have a fear Because if there’s nothing to fear then there’s no problem.
So nothing to be the disappointment is nothing So they’re always go together anger sadness and fear and sadness can only exist if there’s also if there isn’t also a sense of guilt Okay, so it’s it’s When you when you feel sad there’s a loss you feel disappointed There’s always that element of oh if I had done this differently It would have not have happened.
So there’s that sense of regret. So they all go exist. They’re all there And so the the actual word is a german word gestalt, which is to see the whole picture. So if I if I hold up the pen, you see just this one side of it, you don’t see the whole thing.
But if you look at what you’re angry about, what you’re sad about, what you’re afraid of, what you feel guilty about, and then look at what you wanted that didn’t happen, and then you look at how you would feel if you got what you wanted, that’s the whole picture.
That’s a gestalt, and then the negativity goes away. That’s what we want to do, and you can do that on paper. So once you’ve written out your feelings, you imagine whoever you’re blaming for your unhappiness, do it.
Just vent whatever is, you know, be aware of what’s inside. That’s authenticity, but not trying to change someone. But writing this letter, letting that part of you, it’s ignorant. The childlike part of you, the monkeylike part, let him communicate out, then write a letter back from that person saying the things to you you want them to say.
So now you’re actually giving yourself the love. Even though you say, don’t never say that, they probably won’t either, but it doesn’t matter. You can say that to yourself, and then you imagine, use your imagination.
Why imagination? Because 99% of all of our pain and sorrow is our imagination. We’re imagining things to be worse than they are. We make a big deal out of it. No big deal. It’s not a problem. I love that book a long time ago.
It was a super bestseller. It was called Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. And then parentheses, it’s all small stuff. That’s the reality of life. And there are big stuff, but we make it big stuff by building up the little things, making them bigger and bigger and bigger.
So write the letter to yourself. And then the third level of that exercise. And that’s in my book Beyond Mars and Venus. The third level of that exercise is then imagining my partner saying these things to me.
How would it make me feel? And now you feel that. See, the whole thing is you are changing how you feel. And then imagine feeling that. And then ask yourself, OK, what other times in my life have I felt these good feelings?
And just look for it. And if you can’t find it, that’s OK. That’s OK. Look for it. And what you’ll find out is the next day, you’ll see it. It will happen. It’ll be in a moment. See, every day in my meditation, I always, at least 30 minutes, I’m looking at what things in the past have made me really happy.
So what really makes me happy? I’m always meditating. So during the day, I go, oh, yeah, that makes me happy. Oh, that makes me happy. My brain is looking for it. There’s actually a part of the brain reticular activating system is that if you’re in danger, it only looks for bad things.
If you feel optimistic, it only looks for good things. And I remember back when I first learned about the reticular activating system, it was where I lived. It was when Apple Computer came out and there was little tiny boxes.
And I was writing a book by Pencil. My assistant said, oh, you should get a computer. Finally, I said, oh, you should get a computer. Okay, where do you buy them? And she looked at me like I was crazy, because back in those days, grocery stores carried the little Apple computer.
They were everywhere. There were Apple signs everywhere. Huge, and I hadn’t seen it. I didn’t see it because I wasn’t looking for it. And this is a reality, is we don’t see things unless we’re already looking for them.
So in childhood, if we had parents that were dysfunctional, we see people, we see dysfunction. You see, the brain will go there. And if we start looking to finding the love inside of ourselves, we’ll look for it and we’ll find it elsewhere.
And change is our whole state. And this is things we have power over. Well, John, I love to listen to you. I’m a little bit afraid that we are running out of time. Yes. But I would like to have one last very simple question.
What is your definition of love? of what? So many definitions, but love is a feeling that generates positive behaviors, but itself is a feeling of empathy, compassion, appreciation, and trust, and praise, and devotion.
All of these are feelings inside of us that all come out of the heading of love. It’s an openness that wants to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It wants to be of service to others.
It’s a willful intent to serve the well -being of others is the outcome of feeling love. It’s an allowing others to be who they are without seeking to change them against their will without their intent, but only to be of service and support.
So it’s a big thing, love. Thank you very, very much, John. Thank you very much. I’m just happy. You have given me the 20%. Thank you so much. Advice versa. I feel like you’re glowing through the whole conversation.
I couldn’t stop talking. So thank you again. I hope we do it again. We hope you enjoyed the episode. If yes, we are very happy about your evaluation. Also, you can subscribe to the podcast and stay on the running.
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